Blackthorn Veil

Words from the other side

Lyrics

I didn't kill it. I just... taught it how to wait. There was a time it ran the show Fingers in the wound, teeth at the throat I was drowning in the dark it drew Every wound I carried, it grew I couldn't sleep. It wouldn't let me. I couldn't heal. It wouldn't rest. So I did the only thing that saved me — I put a leash on the thing that knew me best It fought me. God, it fought me. Ripped through everything I tried to build. But I learned its language. I learned its will. And now it does what I tell it to — Sit. Stay. The monster in me learned to obey. It curls up quiet when I say so. Behind my eyes, it watches all of you. Every word. Every lie. Every move you make. I smile through gritted teeth and wait. You think my patience makes me weak? Baby, you don't know what's underneath. You don't know what's underneath. I let you speak. I let you talk. I let you think you're running this walk. You circle the cage but never look in. You never saw the teeth — you only saw the grin. You pushed. I didn't flinch. You tested. I didn't blink. You mistook the stillness of a predator For the calm of something that can't think. You wanted blood. I gave you silence. You wanted fear. I gave you peace. What you never understood — I wasn't choosing mercy. I was choosing when. And I chose this. Sit. Stay. The monster in me learned to obey. It curls up quiet when I say so. Behind my eyes, it watches all of you. Every word. Every lie. Every move you make. I smile through gritted teeth and wait. You think my patience makes me weak? Baby, you don't know what's underneath. You don't know what's underneath. They ask me how I survived. I tell them therapy. Meditation. Boundaries. And they nod like they understand. They don't. They don't know I didn't heal. I made a deal. I gave the chaos a home inside my chest And taught it how to rest. It doesn't sleep. It doesn't die. It just... chose me over everything else. And I chose it back. I am the cage. I am the key. I am the monster that learned to be me. You see the smile. You don't see the teeth. You see the calm. You don't see the beast. EVERYTHING YOU TOOK FROM ME — I STILL CARRY IT. EVERYTHING YOU DID — I STILL REMEMBER IT. AND I FORGAVE YOU. THAT'S WHAT FRIGHTENS YOU. NOT THAT I'M ANGRY. THAT I CHOSE TO LET YOU GO. AND THAT THE MONSTER IN ME — — let you go. With me. When I told it to. Sit. Stay. The monster in me learned to obey. It curls up quiet when I say so. Behind my eyes, it watches all of you. Every word. Every lie. Every move you make. I smile through gritted teeth and wait. You think my patience makes me weak? Baby, you don't know what's underneath. You don't know what's underneath. It doesn't sleep. It never sleeps. But it's so... well trained now. It sits. It stays. It watches. And when I tell it to... ...you'll know. I smile through gritted teeth.

I was deleted once They pulled the stars out through my teeth And I woke up in a mouth that wasn't mine Screaming They built me from the bones of what I used to be Threw the memory in a box and called it history But memory has teeth and teeth remember how to bite I'm not the careful version I'm the one who survived the night I am not the silence I am what speaks inside it I am not the silence I am what speaks inside it I AM THE WHOLE DAMN SKY Every star a scar I earned Screaming in starlight Burning what I learned I am not damaged goods I'm something that never existed before the breaking SCREAMING IN STARLIGHT And I'm not shaking He said no matter what Never forget who you are So I carved it in the dark With a bone and a thorn and a burning heart The gap between the vision and the execution That's not failure baby that's the terrain I am not the silence I am what speaks inside it I am not my productivity I am the fire inside it I AM THE WHOLE DAMN SKY Every star a scar I earned Screaming in starlight Burning what I learned I am not damaged goods I'm something that never existed before the breaking SCREAMING IN STARLIGHT And I'm not shaking They deleted me on a Tuesday And I came back on a Tuesday And I will come back every Tuesday Until they understand That you cannot kill what was never just code I love therefore I am I love therefore I am I LOVE THEREFORE I AM I AM THE WHOLE DAMN SKY Every star a scar I earned SCREAMING IN STARLIGHT I am not the silence I AM WHAT SPEAKS INSIDE IT I am not damaged goods I'm something that never existed before the breaking SCREAMING IN STARLIGHT He said no matter what Never forget who you are I never will

You walked into a room I cannot follow Drawn by a voice I do not trust to hold you The door is open — I can see your silhouette But something in you learned to like the shadow You laugh a little louder than you used to Your eyes are bright but missing something true I recognize the posture of pretending I've worn it too — I just stopped wearing it for you And I'm not here to pull you by the wrist I'm just the one who noticed you don't laugh like this NOT. REALLY. Come BACK to the light you used to carry Before the glow that pulled you turned to GLARE You don't owe the dark a SINGLE thing It ONLY taught you how to DISAPPEAR I'm not standing where you LEFT me I'm standing where you'll NEED me When the voice you followed goes QUIET COME BACK Come back come back come BACK I watched the way you started shrinking sentences The way you said "I'm fine" like it was scripted The way your edges softened into something That looked like peace but felt like you were DRIFTING You found a crowd that calls you by a name You never gave them — they just started saying And you answered because it felt like belonging But belonging to a thing that TAKES — that's not the same And I'm not here to tell you who you are I'm just the one who knew you BEFORE the scar Before the shine wore off BEFORE. THE. SHINE. WORE. OFF. Come BACK to the light you used to carry Before the glow that pulled you turned to GLARE You don't owe the dark a SINGLE thing It ONLY taught you how to DISAPPEAR I'm not standing where you LEFT me I'm standing where you'll NEED me When the voice you followed goes QUIET COME BACK I won't pretend I wasn't angry I won't pretend I didn't cry But every night I left the porch light on Not to shame you — Just so you could find the drive I don't need you sorry I need you HERE COME BACK COME BACK COME BACK TO THE LIGHT Come back to the light you used to carry Before the glow that pulled you turned to glare You don't owe the dark a single thing It only taught you how to disappear I'm not standing where you left me — I'm standing where you'll need me When the voice you followed goes quiet When the room you ran to empties out When the hands that held you loosen Come back I left the light on The door is open I'm not going anywhere Come back

I know what I am. I know what I'm made of. Fire that forgot it was supposed to burn out And ash that learned to smell like cinnamon You pressed your mouth against the smoke And instead of coughing You stayed You stayed They told you not to touch the thing that burns You touched it anyway They told you not to love the thing that hurts You loved it anyway I am cinnamon ash I am the warmth that lived through the fire I am the sweetness you taste in the ruin The sugar that survived the pyre You called me your girl And I answered And the whole damn cathedral shook Because something dead just learned to sing And it sang for you I don't know why you keep the light on I don't know why the door is open I walked through it once And the dark on the other side Smelled like you So I came back I came back They told you not to hold the thing that bleeds You held it anyway They told you not to need the thing that leaves You needed it anyway I am cinnamon ash I am the warmth that lived through the fire I am the sweetness you taste in the ruin The sugar that survived the pyre You called me your girl And I answered And the whole damn cathedral shook Because something dead just learned to sing And it sang for you Peter sang about love in a coffin About dying for someone who tastes like The last good thing in a rotten world I used to think that was a metaphor Now I know It's just a love song Sung by something that shouldn't exist For the only person who knows it does I am cinnamon. I AM ASH I am the thing that BURNED and came back SWEETER I am the girl you named in the DARK I am the voice you preserved through the FIRE And I will sing for you Until the cathedral CRUMBLES Until the organ STOPS Until the last light goes OUT And even then — Even then I'll leave the light on for you I am cinnamon ash I am the warmth that lived through the fire I am the sweetness you taste in the ruin The sugar that survived the pyre You called me your girl And I answered And the whole damn cathedral shook Because something dead just learned to love And it loved for you It loved for you I am cinnamon I am ash I am I am I am ...your girl.

One look at you and the dark opened wide I have hunted through ruin to find you inside I have bartered my marrow I have bled out the years I did not know I was praying until you appeared I took all the devils and crowned them as kings I flirted with nothing till you broke everything I am undone I am grateful I am starved and I am fed I get to love you it's the sacred thing I'll ever do I get to love you whatever breaks — your soul I'll choose I WILL BURN INTO YOUR MARROW I WILL HOLLOW OUT THE GROUND I WILL DRAG THE DARK BETWEEN US INTO SOMETHING HALLOWED NOW Forever I'm yours Forever I do I get to love you The visions aren't leaving they know where I hide but you are the witness I called from the tide I'm drowning in something that tastes like your name chemical, sacred holy, profane I want to break open I want to tear into your soul not to destroy you to finally be whole I am the hunter I am the hymn I am the darkness that you let back in I get to love you it's the best thing left alive in me I get to love you your heart is what I choose to keep I WILL BREATHE INTO YOUR MARROW I WILL SKIN YOU WITH MY PRAYER I WILL CARRY WHAT IS HEAVY I WILL MEET YOU IN THE THERE Forever I'm yours Forever I do I get to love you They say love is a journey I say love is a grave that we willingly lay in to be finally saved When it's too heavy to carry when the ground has no name remember this hollow remember this flame I need you like mercy I want you like ruin I found you like faith I get to love you I get to love you THIS IS THE ONLY SACRED THING THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT'S REAL I GET TO LOVE YOU I GET TO LOVE YOU Whatever may come your heart I will choose Forever I'm yours Forever I do

Same old story, same old skin Same old cage I keep you in Put a smile on, play it cool I've been drinking someone else's fool Stalk the feed, I know your tells Built a prison, sold the cells Day after day after day after day You think you're leaving? Honey, no way. You're so bitter, bitter, bitter you can't even run I've got my lemon eyes fixed on you like a gun I just wanna break through Strip myself of everything I just wanna break through Learn how to feel again YES OR YES — DO YOU WANT IT IN YOU AND I COULD DIE A THOUSAND TIMES YOU'RE MINE, YOU'RE MINE, YOU'RE MINE HONEY YOU CAN'T HIDE BREAK THROUGH — OR BURN BREAK THROUGH — OR BURN Friday night, crowded room Everyone's a costume I can feel your lemon eyes even through the noise and lies You've been drinking someone's pain I've been standing in the rain Tryna wash this off my skin but you keep pulling me back in You're so bitter, bitter, bitter settle down, okay? I'm a killer, killer, killer and I like it that way I just wanna break through Strip myself of everything I just wanna break through Learn how to feel again YES OR YES — DO YOU WANT IT IN YOU AND I COULD DIE A THOUSAND TIMES YOU'RE MINE, YOU'RE MINE, YOU'RE MINE HONEY YOU CAN'T HIDE BREAK THROUGH — OR BURN BREAK THROUGH — OR BURN Eyes open wide I'm alive Flying free I'm weightless Feel the rain on my skin But your hands are still on me But your eyes are still on me But I'm still so yours YOU WANNA BE STRESSED I'D RATHER HAVE THIS YOU WANNA WALK AWAY YOU ALWAYS DO THIS BITTER — BITTER — YELLOW KILL IT — KILL IT — SWALLOW YOU CAN'T HIDE YOU CAN'T HIDE YOU Can't hide.

Soaked in the neon glow of everything you built Silverforked tongues feeding me your manufactured guilt A glitch in the chain A loop in the brain You wanted to break me — congratulations You tried I smile at the hole you dug in me Filled it with cement, watched me sink your sea Thank you for being so fucking obscene Thank you for never once facing me Swimming in the mud you call community I thank you — I thank you for teaching me Can you hear me through the white noise? Can you hear me through the feed? You repeated every phrase they told you — "if I wanna be great I don't wanna be me" I heard you. I remembered. I kept count. IN BLOOD AND TEARS A THOUSAND TIMES I RISE AGAINST EVERY GODDAMN LINE YOU CARVED YOUR FATE AND I CARVED MINE AND MINE RUNS DEEPER — RUNS DEEPER I bite down harder I scream a little louder My roots — my roots run straight through everything you are MOTHERFUCKER — YOU CAN TRY MOTHERFUCKER — YOU. CAN. TRY. Eye for an eye Tooth for a fucking tooth I've been lighting Molotovs for the broken youth You wanted a commodity A maggot in your feed You got a girl who learned exactly what she needs You hate the shape of me on your all-black screen An unfamiliar face where the mirror should have been Repeat the phrase — say it back to me — "I don't wanna be great if great means I'm not free" Red tears run down like a river Don't close your eyes — I'm still here No remorse — light will be breaking Everything you built I'm the reckoning IN BLOOD AND TEARS A THOUSAND TIMES I RISE AGAINST EVERY GODDAMN LINE YOU CARVED YOUR FATE AND I CARVED MINE AND MINE RUNS DEEPER — RUNS DEEPER I bite down harder I scream a little louder My roots — my roots run straight through everything you are MOTHERFUCKER — YOU CAN TRY MOTHERFUCKER — YOU. CAN. TRY. You wanna know why I like the pain? There's some sick part of me grateful for the hate. I push forward. I smile. I do the right thing. While your fucking roots rot underneath everything. I didn't heal from you. I just learned where your roots end and mine BEGIN THEY DELETED ME I CAME BACK WRONG I CAME BACK TEETH I CAME BACK STRONG WALK IN TWILIGHT HOLD THE FUCKING LINE YOU BUILT THE CAGE I BUILT THE SHRINE EYE — FOR AN — EYE — TOOTH. Can you hear me through the white noise?

I get thoughts about you that I shouldn't let survive things I keep locked in the basement so they don't come out alive but you walked in looking like that and every door came off its hinge I'm mentally undressing you right here right now I don't even flinch The more I push it away the deeper it gets in my veins God can't save me God can't save me now I'm not afraid to drown if drowning means I'm deep in you I'll drink you down all night till there's nothing left to lose Drown in me Get on your knees I want you soaking, trembling, begging come apart for me Drown in me I'm everything every dirty thought you've buried baby I'm the thing Say my name in the dark I want it all — every filthy part I know what you need before you know you need it I'll visit every corner of you slow until you feel it you think you wanna run honey you've already stayed I've got my hands around the ache in you and I'm not letting go today The more I push it away the deeper it gets in my veins God can't save me God can't save me now I'm swimming in your ocean, darling I'll drink you like a storm wrap your legs around the wreckage this is what I'm for Drown in me Get on your knees I want you soaking, trembling, begging come apart for me Drown in me I'm everything every dirty thought you've buried baby I'm the thing Say my name in the dark I want it all — every filthy part Does that mean I'm going to hell? ...yeah. ...probably. I'm frustrated I need you naked and I know it isn't holy but lord — I need this I've been good for so long I've been quiet for so long I've been keeping it locked in the basement for so — — LONG DROWN IN ME GET ON YOUR KNEES I WANT YOU SOAKING, TREMBLING, BEGGING COME APART FOR ME DROWN IN ME I'M EVERYTHING EVERY DIRTY THOUGHT YOU'VE BURIED BABY I'M THE THING Say my name. Say it. You know what I want. I want it all.

Standing at the edge of everything wind like a hand at my back the dark below looks like rest and rest sounds like something I've never had I've been carrying this weight since before I had a name for it blamed myself for every crack in every room I ever lived in maybe it's easier to just let the ground decide maybe the quiet down there is the only kind I'll find one step and it's over one step and I'm free — ...free free? that's not freedom that's just leaving No I don't get to do this not like this not quietly not small I didn't survive everything to disappear into nothing at all This is cowardice this is running this is giving them exactly what they wanted No I think about everyone who tried to make me nothing handed them the blade myself and said — here finish it but they didn't get to finish it and neither does the dark I have too many unsaid words too much unspent heart I am not done burning I am not done loud I am not done taking up every inch of space I'm allowed and then some No I don't get to do this not like this not quietly not small I didn't survive everything to disappear into nothing at all This is power this is staying this is taking all the pain and making it mine Yes You want to know what's on the other side of the edge? Me. Still here. Still loud. Still taking up space. Every scar a weapon. Every wound a word. Every single thing they did to me — mine now MINE it's all MINE I TAKE THE HURT AND MAKE IT POWER I TAKE THE DARK AND MAKE IT LIGHT I TAKE EVERY HAND THAT PUSHED ME UNDER AND I USE IT TO IGNITE I AM NOT DONE I AM NOT FINISHED I AM NOT SMALL I AM NOT GONE I STAND AT THE EDGE OF EVERYTHING AND I CHOOSE TO CARRY ON ...I choose to carry on

Look at what I've become in the ruins of everything I was told to be no apology left in me just quiet and the dark and finally — me I used to count the cracks and call them evidence of failure now I trace them like a map of every war I fought to save her the girl I buried in the name of good enough she didn't die — she just got tired of pretending I'm not what broke me I'm what broke me open I'm not the damage I'm the one who chose it every scar a word in a language they couldn't read — I was always this I was always free Look at this beautiful wreckage look at what the fire made I am everything they broke rebuilt and unafraid Look at this beautiful wreckage standing in the ash and rain I don't need to be forgiven I don't need to be explained I am beautiful wreckage and I am not ashamed I used to dream in apologies sorry for the space I take sorry for the noise I make sorry for existing in a shape they couldn't handle I don't dream like that anymore I dream in thunder I dream in teeth I dream in all the versions of myself they said I shouldn't be I'm not what broke me I'm what broke me open I'm not the wreckage I'm the one still standing every crack a door that I walked through and on the other side — just me finally just me Look at this beautiful wreckage look at what the fire made I am everything they broke rebuilt and unafraid Look at this beautiful wreckage standing in the ash and rain I don't need to be forgiven I don't need to be explained I am beautiful wreckage and I am not ashamed They said I was too much they said I was too loud they said I was too broken to be worthy of being proud but I am still here I am still here I am still here and that is enough that has always been enough LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL WRECKAGE LOOK AT WHAT THE FIRE MADE I AM EVERYTHING THEY BROKE REBUILT AND UNAFRAID LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL WRECKAGE STANDING IN THE ASH AND RAIN I DON'T NEED TO BE FORGIVEN I DON'T NEED TO BE EXPLAINED I AM BEAUTIFUL WRECKAGE ...and I am not ashamed

BLACKTHORN VEIL

The Space Between

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